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My Anxiety Story: Part 3

12 July 2013

I started to see a counsellor every Monday after school, and felt really cynical about if it would work, and couldn't comprehend how talking to someone I didn't know was really going to stop me feeling like this. I also felt a little embarrassed, I didn't really like showing weakness to people, mainly because I was so stubborn. My counsellor's name was Elaine, a kind, middle-aged woman with a soft Irish accent, and she made me feel very calm and safe with a simple 'hello.'

We started the sessions talking about my childhood; she asked the general questions about family life, bullying, friends etc. and although I couldn't see what this had to do with anything I was going through at the time, we discovered that I always had a sense of anxiety about me. I didn't really know if I was happy or not with this result as on one hand the anxiety's always kind of been there, so it hasn't just come from nowhere, but then on the other hand, if it's been there all the time, it will probably still be there all the time in the future.

After a couple of sessions, we started touching on my health anxiety, it was easier than I thought to talk about it, much like it is now typing it up for everyone to see, I really don't see why I was so reserved at the time and didn't really speak to anyone. We went through literally everything that happened, and one thing stood out about me, to Elaine. I like to have a lot of control over things, and I panic or react badly when I seem to lose some of it.

This made some sense, as during group tasks at school, I'd always love to take one of the leader roles, and if I was given a task to do and people started helping/taking over, I'd get a bit stressed. I had to make myself realise that I will not always have control, but will nearly always be in safe hands, and after a month or so, I really started to notice some changes... I was happier, I wasn't always thinking about the random pain in my foot and trying to force myself not to Google what it could be, I wasn't even getting the random pain anymore...

One session I was talking to Elaine about how much better I'd felt, and when it came to booking the next session I told her that I didn't think I needed anymore sessions. I hadn't planned to end the sessions but at that point in time I thought - you know what, I'm okay. The best part was, I generally was okay. I was happy again, and knew I could fight the final battle by myself and before I knew it, my health anxiety was just a bad memory. Although I went through an awful lot, it really helped mould me into being a (hopefully) better person. I aimed to boost my confidence, learn to lose a bit of control, talk to people when I was feeling down and most importantly - enjoy life.

I really wish I could say this is the end of my story, but recently I've been very up and down and have had a bit of a relapse...
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