Apologies for the quietness of my blog this past few days, I've been rather busy...
With about 2 weeks until University started I was running around trying to find accommodation, housemates, people on my course to talk to and just generally preparing myself with a whole lot of To-Do and To-Buy lists. I was excited about going, but getting very stressed as nothing seemed to be going right.
I wasn't getting very far, and was in a vicious cycle of finding places, enquiring and finding they had just gone and I felt very depressed indeed. If it wasn't for a few of my friends texting me pretty regularly throughout the two days, I would've gone absolutely mental so thanks guys! I decided to book a place on the House-Hunting event (which was supposed to be today) and thought I'd just enjoy my weekend and think about it all again on Tuesday.
So I forgot about everything and had an amazing weekend full of friends and laughs - I felt pretty relaxed and pretty damn happy. It was my friends 21st birthday on Friday night, and another friends' 'leaving-for-university' house party on the Saturday, which ended in 3 hours on Chat Roulette, before leaving about 5 in the morning... On Sunday, I saw posts in the University group and thought nope, I'm not even going to think about you for now, and just sat back and livestreamed Lady Gaga's iTunes Festival gig (post coming soon... maybe.)
Yesterday (Monday,) I had a random constant chest pain and it threw me a little. If you've read my anxiety posts you may know that I suffered with health anxiety and would worry about little ailments far more than I should. I've managed to calm that down, and if not I'm usually able to distract myself, but this was a pain that just wasn't going away. Painkillers didn't work and I couldn't really get comfortable, so it was a bit of a struggle through the day. My chest was tightening a little, which I knew was because I was getting agitated by it (and I was probably very anxious in the back of my mind,) so I reassured myself by remembering that if I was having a heart attack (one of the first things you think is happening during a panic attack,) I'd have a duller pain and shooting pains up my arm, plus my pulse was fine.
This was all well and good, but guess what my troll of a body decided to do an hour or 2 later? Yup, shooting pains up and down my arms - my body reacted terribly to it and I had a panic attack, for about 40 minutes. This was probably the worst one I've ever had, and I just could not distract myself from it. Breathing exercises weren't doing anything, mental exercises weren't doing anything, YouTube videos weren't doing anything. The pains were constant and part of me actually thought I was having a real heart attack, but then the other half knew it was just me being silly. As I was panicking I was sweating a lot and my pulse was pretty high, but it soon calmed down so that was further reassurance...
I had a chat with my mum and dad afterwards, for ages, and I found that I was still pretty stressed about university. I'd always been a bit 80-20 about going - I wanted the experience, but then I couldn't bring myself to pick up a maths book to refresh my memory. I'd put it down to me just not doing it for a year, but over a couple of weeks it went from 80-20 to 50-50... I was indecisive.
The main issue was that I just... didn't want to do maths. All of my life I'd wanted to be a maths teacher, but as it got closer I realised... I really didn't enjoy it anymore. I didn't want it to be my future. I thought I was just scared but I didn't want to waste 3 years and get into about £45,000 worth of debt only to get a job I didn't want anymore. I didn't want to go and drop-out, still be in debt, and let people down. It was an in-the-moment decision, but I said to my dad - I don't want to go anymore.
I'm not disappointed in myself, I'm glad I realised it now rather than later, and my life is full of some of the most amazing, supportive people ever. I'm not ruling university out, I'd still love to go, but maybe it's time I found my true calling first...
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